Family, Holidays, Mother's Day

My Thoughts on When/If I’ll be a Mother

Happy Mother’s Day to my MIL, J, and to my mom, M 🙂 I was going to write this in advance and have photos, but I totally forgot. I was so tired after work yesterday, and I’m back at work today so I don’t have access to my files.
As Mother’s Day drew near, Chris and I started to re-visit the “children issue”. Chris is definitely ready for kids and would be more than happy if we started trying now. I, on the other hand, am not at all ready. I want to have my first child before I’m 30, but I don’t see the need to rush things. To put a more specific date on it, I don’t think I’ll be ready to start trying till a good 4 – 5 months after our move to New Zealand, putting us into September – October 2010.
Why do I want to wait? Lots of reasons, but I guess what it really boils down to is a fear of being stuck at home with a newborn. Maybe that makes me sound like I’d be a bad mother, but that’s what I’m worried about – being isolated. If we weren’t moving to another country next year, then I’d probably be more up for having a child. It’s the thought of being halfway across the world, newly arrived with an infant on my hip, which scares me. I know from experience that it takes me about 5 months to really feel settled in a new state. I can only imagine that it’d take at least that long in a new country, and I don’t want to deal with that while taking care of a baby.
I also don’t want to be pregnant, move to Indiana, hunt for a new job, and work full-time all while trying to coordinate our move to NZ (the paperwork, doctor’s exams, FBI reports, taking my English language test for my NZ nurse’s license, finding housing, packing/disposing of our belongings, selling our cars… you know, just those minor things), then give birth and have to scramble to get paperwork, passports, and medical clearance for the baby. I can also see being descended upon by well-meaning relatives who want to see the child, all right before packing up and boarding a 22 hour flight halfway across the world. No thanks.
I want to have at least a year to work in New Zealand, to familiarize myself with the city and the country. I’m concerned that if I didn’t give myself that year to get to know people and form friendships, that I would look to Chris too often to fill my need for social stimulation. The thing is that I’ve always had a desire to stay home with my child for at least their first year, provided that it was financially feasible. That doesn’t look like it’s going to be a problem. So, once I have a baby I won’t be at work and won’t be making new friendships. I’d like to have some friendships already in place. What I don’t want is to stay at home with a baby in a new country, not knowing anyone and not having made any friends, and no car. I expect that Chris will be at work for 5-6 (and sometimes 7) days a week and I have no desire to be utterly dependent on him for my support system. I do not want to be that family where the wife is whiney and clingy as soon as her husband walks in the door and the husband dreads coming home.
My mom has lovingly reminded me that no one is ever ready for a baby. That’s true, but it’s not a good reason to go ahead and get pregnant. Chris has been amazing throughout this whole process. Even though he’d like to have a baby, he’s not pushing me or pressuring me in any way. He was even really nice after my mini-meltdown about 2 weeks ago when he brought it up again. I kind of lost it and was going on and on for at least 20 minutes, listing all the reasons why having a child now would be a bad idea (sorry, Sweetie!). I fully recognize that a lot of women are in the opposite boat as me – they want to have a child, but it’s the husband who isn’t ready. I’m blessed to have a husband who’s so patient with me.
What about you ladies? Any of you going through similar situations, or have gone through them in the past? Do you have friends who’ve dealt with this sort of thing? What are your thoughts?
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9 thoughts on “My Thoughts on When/If I’ll be a Mother

  1. Uggg … the baby thing is so complicated!

    Everything you say makes total sense to me! Some days, I am so ready for babies. But then, I think about how hard it would be with a husband who deploys to have kids AND finish school/residency etc.

    I’m sure when the time is right, you’ll know!

  2. All of these things make TOTAL sense to me…I think you are being very smart with the points that you make here. I am nowhere close to thinking about babies yet since I haven’t quite gotten to the marriage stage at this point in time, but I too would be terrified about the prospect of moving to a new country with an infant for the same reasons that you are, fear of isolation. Not to say that if it did, by some chance, happen…that you couldn’t make it work. It was just be very hard. You’d have to get out there and join mother’s day outs, baby yoga, things of that nature….haha. It could be done though. Either way, I know that things are going to work out for you and that you will be a great mother! Having fear and/or concerns about the right time for you to have a baby does not, in any way, indicate that you will one day be a bad mother. XO!

  3. Your choice to wait seems totally sensible. It would be unbelievably stressful to prepare for such a big move and be trying to get pregnant at the same time! You deserve some time to get acclimated and settled, for sure.

    My friend and her husband had a baby right after they moved to a different state and she always told me that she hated feeling like all day was spent waiting for him to get home because she didn’t know anyone else. Your mom is probably right that no one is ever totally ready for a baby, but there really is no rush when you have so many other changes to work through.

  4. I found your blog through Kelsey's Korner. {Congrats on winning the blog makeover BTW!} I'm going to school to become a RN & loving reading about other RN's! 🙂

  5. I am right there with you. My husband wants to start now and I am not ready either. Granted I don’t seem to have as good of a reason as you do with the moving out of the country. I also want to have a child by the time I am 30 or at least be pregnant at that age. I too have a wonderful husband who isn’t pushy, mainly because I think he agrees with my reasoning about waiting. I also want to move closer to Indy and out of Yorktown before we have our first but thats not a priority. Good Luck Jenny and you other soon-to-be moms who commented!

  6. Oh, dear. I feel the same way you do. In fact I have wanted to write a post about this for awhile but Mr. Guru reads my blog and we have this conversation almost weekly. I am not anywhere near ready and he is. I feel so bad for not being ready and he really thinks I will be by the end of the year. I am not sure I will. So, I am praying that at the end of the year he will understand my point of view.

  7. I am in the exact same boat as you! My husband and I moved to Germany 6 weeks ago. We just got married in March but have been together for 3.5 years and probably would have started trying to have a baby pretty much right after we got married if it weren’t for this big move. Now we are sort of in a holding pattern I feel like. We DEFINITELY can’t start trying until after we move out of this hotel but even then I am not positive I will be ready. My husband is ready but I feel like it is so unfair to have a baby so far away from my parents!! I want to feel totally comfortable here first. I would recommend waiting until you move and got settled in. It will be lonely right at FIRST (it doesn’t last long) but I imagine it would be hard with a baby. Or maybe not, maybe that would make the transition totally easier!! Who am I to say!! 🙂

  8. We moved from D.C. to Texas at 34 weeks; I’m now 38 and desperately wanting to meet my baby. I see all your cons, BUT meeting people pregnant is SO MUCH EASIER than meeting people sans bebe. I think you’ll know when the time comes.

  9. I getcha. I always thought I would be geared up and ready by now … but in all honesty, I am selfish and want to remain selfish for a tad longer. Xoxo-BLC

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