Happy Mother’s Day to my MIL, J, and to my mom, M 🙂 I was going to write this in advance and have photos, but I totally forgot. I was so tired after work yesterday, and I’m back at work today so I don’t have access to my files.
As Mother’s Day drew near, Chris and I started to re-visit the “children issue”. Chris is definitely ready for kids and would be more than happy if we started trying now. I, on the other hand, am not at all ready. I want to have my first child before I’m 30, but I don’t see the need to rush things. To put a more specific date on it, I don’t think I’ll be ready to start trying till a good 4 – 5 months after our move to New Zealand, putting us into September – October 2010.
Why do I want to wait? Lots of reasons, but I guess what it really boils down to is a fear of being stuck at home with a newborn. Maybe that makes me sound like I’d be a bad mother, but that’s what I’m worried about – being isolated. If we weren’t moving to another country next year, then I’d probably be more up for having a child. It’s the thought of being halfway across the world, newly arrived with an infant on my hip, which scares me. I know from experience that it takes me about 5 months to really feel settled in a new state. I can only imagine that it’d take at least that long in a new country, and I don’t want to deal with that while taking care of a baby.
I also don’t want to be pregnant, move to Indiana, hunt for a new job, and work full-time all while trying to coordinate our move to NZ (the paperwork, doctor’s exams, FBI reports, taking my English language test for my NZ nurse’s license, finding housing, packing/disposing of our belongings, selling our cars… you know, just those minor things), then give birth and have to scramble to get paperwork, passports, and medical clearance for the baby. I can also see being descended upon by well-meaning relatives who want to see the child, all right before packing up and boarding a 22 hour flight halfway across the world. No thanks.
I want to have at least a year to work in New Zealand, to familiarize myself with the city and the country. I’m concerned that if I didn’t give myself that year to get to know people and form friendships, that I would look to Chris too often to fill my need for social stimulation. The thing is that I’ve always had a desire to stay home with my child for at least their first year, provided that it was financially feasible. That doesn’t look like it’s going to be a problem. So, once I have a baby I won’t be at work and won’t be making new friendships. I’d like to have some friendships already in place. What I don’t want is to stay at home with a baby in a new country, not knowing anyone and not having made any friends, and no car. I expect that Chris will be at work for 5-6 (and sometimes 7) days a week and I have no desire to be utterly dependent on him for my support system. I do not want to be that family where the wife is whiney and clingy as soon as her husband walks in the door and the husband dreads coming home.
My mom has lovingly reminded me that no one is ever ready for a baby. That’s true, but it’s not a good reason to go ahead and get pregnant. Chris has been amazing throughout this whole process. Even though he’d like to have a baby, he’s not pushing me or pressuring me in any way. He was even really nice after my mini-meltdown about 2 weeks ago when he brought it up again. I kind of lost it and was going on and on for at least 20 minutes, listing all the reasons why having a child now would be a bad idea (sorry, Sweetie!). I fully recognize that a lot of women are in the opposite boat as me – they want to have a child, but it’s the husband who isn’t ready. I’m blessed to have a husband who’s so patient with me.
What about you ladies? Any of you going through similar situations, or have gone through them in the past? Do you have friends who’ve dealt with this sort of thing? What are your thoughts?